Some times you gotta wake up and say Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now. Today is one of those days.

It's not hard to do well in this ridiculous dream-hunting game, but like all dreams, that final push to greatness will take you a few tries. In the length of time it takes to hear the Theme to "Perfect Strangers", you've got to cross the whole world, from pasture to suburb, and pick up the stars you see.

Of course, it would be meaningless if it was just a game, right? That's why Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now is secretly a self-actualization simulator. Write down your goal, and race for it! Each star brings you closer to 100%!

As you can see, I didn't make my goal, which is probably why this blog post sucks. But maybe YOU will! Start jogging down Destiny Lane in Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now, and as long as you can control your potty mouth, post a screenshot after your game. Whomever gets the highest score will be our Quality Post Champion on Monday! In the event of a tie, the goal will serve as a tie-breaker… so be sure to make those goals cool.

Who’s Stealing From Whom

I always wanted to make a crime film. That’s why I bought the Zmodo 4 CH/Camera 500GB Surveillance System.

sneak sneak
stuff stuff stuff
sneak sneak sneak

CUT! Okay, can we get some light in here, please?

“Wha- what’s going on?”

Listen, thiefy-baby. That part where you slid in the window was great, just great, but when you opened the safe? I just didn’t buy it was as laissez-faire as it could be, right? I’m thinking you gotta put more into the wrist movement.

“Is this… are you the cops?”

The COPS? Ha ha ha! No, thiefy-baby, I’m not the cops. I’m just a guy who wants to make the most realistic crime drama the world has ever seen. Go on, look up there. And there. And there and there. See? That’s my Zmodo 4 CH/Camera 500GB Surveillance System. Four cameras, capturing every angle, sending it right to the included DVR drive where I can enjoy the footage at my leisure.

“I’m on camera?”

No, no, no! You’re not just on camera! You’re the star! And we’re talking major a-list potential here, T-dawg? Can I call you T-dawg? That’s just always what I called Robert Downey Jr. and you remind me a lot of him.

“Listen, maybe I can just give you back the stuff I took and-”

T-dawg, I’m into that, but I gotta at least give you scale or the union’s all over my butt. Look, I’m checking the footage via the mobile phone app, it’s kind of a nice little feature… yeah, it looks like Camera 3 has some good stuff, 704x480 resolution for that Cinéma vérité feel… but, ooo. We didn’t get a clear shot of you on Camera 2. So we’re gonna need to go back and do that whole scene again, except this time from the left. MANNY? BARRY? CAN YOU MOVE THE CAMERA TO THE LEFT, PLEASE? THANK YOU!

“Manny? Barry? How many people are up there?"

Oh, about seventy. But don’t worry, they know you’re the star. Well, unless you throw some prima donna fit like the last guy. He wouldn’t sign the paperwork and we had to hand him over to the cops.

“Gotcha. Where’s my mark?”

Ha ha! See that, Veronica? The guy’s a born talent! Set up the Zmodo 4 CH/Camera 500GB Surveillance System and three, two, one… action!

Warranty: 1 Year Zmodo

Condition: New

Features:

• This surveillance system includes a 4 channel H.264 standalone DVR and four indoor/outdoor IR security cameras
• Includes everything you need to have your surveillance system up and running in your home or business quickly and easily
• The DVR is a 4 channel, fully integrated, real time, and hardware based standalone digital video recorder
• 500GB Western Digital Hard Drive installed
• A hard drive is not needed when using cameras for surveillance, but is required when using DVR for recording camera images
• Supports Apple Mac OS X versions 10.7.x (Lion) & 10.6.x (Snow Leopard)
• The DVR is based on an embedded Linux operating system and includes a remote control for easy setup and operation
• With network access, VGA video output, and USB2.0 backup, this DVR is perfect for the home or small business
• DVR functionality is easily controlled by using either the remote control or the front panel controls on the DVR
• DVR supports network access through Ethernet RJ45 interface
• Support DVR backup via USB flash drive, removable drive, recorder and network
• Use the 15-pin VGA output to connect a computer monitor (not included)
• Playback resolution 704x480
• The cameras included in the kit are weatherproof, day/night, 1/4” color CMOS security cameras with 30ft night vision
• Record Mode options include Continuous, Time Schedule, and Motion Detection
• Each camera comes with a 60-foot power and BNC video all-in-one cable
• All four cameras are powered by one AC adapter using a 4-way power splitter
• Monitor is not included in the package
• The DVR also features the most updated 3G/4G mobile live! Preview via mobile phone

DVR Features

• 4 CH Real-time Surveillance DVR
• H.264 Hardware Compression
• Video Input / Output: BNC 4 / BNC 1
• Audio Input / Output: RCA 4 / RCA 1
• Signal System: NTSC / PAL
• Display: 120 fps
• Record: 120 fps
• Remote Access: Internet Explorer or Netviewer Software
• Support Remote View via Smart Phone & 3G/4G Mobile:
  - iPhone™
  - Google Android™
  - Blackberry™ OS V4.6
  - Windows Mobile™ Pro 5.0 & 6.1
  - Symbian™ S60 3rd & S60 5th

Camera Features

• 1/4” Color CMOS Image Sensor
• 480 TV Lines, Horizontal
• 6mm Lens
• Weatherproof
• Signal: NTSC
• Iris: Auto
• Night Vision Min. Light: 0 Lux (IR On)
• IR Irradiation Distance: up to 30’
• Mount: Ceiling or Wall
• Video Connector: BNC
• Power Connector: RCA 12V DC

In the box:

(1) Zmodo PKD-DK40107-500GB 4 Channel/4Camera 500GB Surveillance System includes:

• (1) DVR-H9124V DVR
• (4) CM-C21606BK CMOS Color IR Security Outdoor Camera with Mounts
• (4) 60ft Surveillance Video + Power All-in-one Cable
• (1) 12V/1500mA 4 Port Power Supply for CCTV Camera
• (1) IR Remote Control with Batteries
• (1) Wired Mouse
• (1) User’s Manual

Game Over

It’s like a game console that doesn’t play games. And some of us like it like that.

People always say, why a Roku? Why not a PS3 or a Wii? They stream video and play games. Those people don’t know about my past. They don’t know that I’m a recovered World of Warcraft addict.

I’ve learned, in my ongoing sessions with Dr. Krylon, that it’s important to know your own strength of will. And I’m just not strong enough to look under my television, see a game console with a CD-rom slot, and not be able to insert a WoW disc. Maybe someday I will be, but it’s going to take time and effort. Also, maybe medication to numb the muscles in my thumbs, making the game impossible if I even try to play, but Dr. Krylon doesn’t know if that’s necessary.

So, anyway, until I’m ready, it’s the Roku life for me. And really, it’s not all that bad. After all, it can stream Netflix and Hulu and Amazon Instant Video (all in up to 1080p!) on my TV using my high-speed internet connection. But what really counts is that it helps me lead a healthy, MMOPRG-free lifestyle. Instead, I can fill my time by just watching movies like Mazes and Monsters, Darkon, or The Wild Hunt.

And sure, maybe I watch these movies over and over, and maybe I’ve memorized every character's every move, and maybe, just maybe, I hold a video game controller and hit the buttons at just the right time so it feels like I’m controlling them. But hey, everyone’s got their own quirky movie ritual right?

Warranty: 90 Day Roku

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• Roku is a little box that allows you to instantly stream tons of entertainment on your TV.
• Watch over 100,000 movies and TV shows from Netflix, Amazon Instant Video, Hulu Plus and more.
• Listen to music on Pandora, or listen to your own iTunes playlists.
• Watch major sports, news, or original Internet programming.
• Start watching movies on your TV in seconds using your high-speed Internet connection
• Works with any TV - up to 1080p. Roku delivers biggest and best streaming video experience you can get
• Built-in wireless (extended-range Wireless-N) and wired Internet connectivity
• Simply connect to your TV and to your high-speed Internet service. Does not require PC for streaming
• Instant Replay button, so you can skip back instantly in 10 second jumps. It's the only streaming player that can do it.
• Roku is constantly expanding its library of streaming entertainment, so there will always be something new to watch

Additional Photos:

• Ports
• Package Contents

Setting up Roku is as easy as 1-2-3:

1. Plug it in. Roku is compatible with virtually any TV
2. Add it to your home network. Whether your home is wireless or wired, the helpful on-screen instructions make it a cinch.
3. Enjoy! Choose your entertainment, and control it with the handy remote

What you need:

To use Roku, you need a high speed Internet connection with a speed of at least 1.2 Mbps (such as mid-level DSL). For HD video, we recommend 5 Mbps (if you’re not sure what your speed is, go to www.speedtest.net and run the simple test). Note that not all content partners enable HD or 1080p streaming video. You may also need a wireless or wired router if you cannot connect Roku directly to your cable or DSL modem

In the box:

• Roku XD
• Composite A/V Cable
• Remote
• AC adapter
• (2) AAA Batteries
• Getting Started Guide

Hey People:

This is the new office monolith, and it's DIFFERENT FROM THE OLD MONOLITH so PAY ATTENTION.

First off, the monolith is for office-use ONLY, folks. No staring at it in a mix of apprehension and curiosity on personal time. No inviting friends to the office on the weekends to touch its surprisingly smooth, icy surface. Nada.

Also, people: Do not confuse this MONOLITH with an OBELISK. Yes, an obelisk is a type of monolith, but one that ends in a TAPERING PYRAMID. Do you see a tapering pyramid on this monolith? No? Good job. And what does that mean? That's right, it's not an obelisk. So don't treat it as one.

The origins of this monolith are clouded in uncertainty, people. It is composed of a silicate crystal unknown to science, and I think you know what that means: $$$$$$$$$$$$. Please do not beat the face of the monolith with rocks, bones, or any other nearby objects, HOWEVER MUCH YOU MAY WANT TO. Doing so will chip it, and then we'd have to order replacement silicate crystals, which DO NOT EXIST.

Finally: You may experience a sudden and eldritch chill when in the Monolith's presence. This is normal, so PLEASE do not adjust the thermostat in the monolith room, OK? It will blast hot air into Cindy's office, and since Cindy and I are not on speaking terms she'll go all the way up to the fourth floor to complain about it. So on your own head be it should you touch the thermostat, mmk?

-Katherine Tull-Potts, BA

Let’s say you’ve got a bunch of bees in your house and you want to sell them. If you just market them as bees, nobody’s going to buy them because nobody likes bees themselves. In fact, the only thing people like about bees is that they make honey. So, that’s why, it'd be a good idea to put your bees in a jar and call them “Pre-Fresh Honey.” (And then maybe add something like, “Stinging means it’s working!” so that people don’t try to sue you when they get hurt.) But, wait! How do you learn that people like honey but not bees? By doing market research, that's how!

Market research is an essential part of business and that's why it's the subject of today’s lesson here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership. Now you're probably thinking "Research? That sounds scientific!" Well, it is and it isn't. Like with science, you are observing subjects to learn more about what they do. Unlike with science, you’re actually trying to do something productive: make money. Another difference is that  you can’t use a microscope, because your subjects (people) are too big to fit under one.

(Unless you built a really big microscope, but then everyone would be like, “Whoa! Look at that giant microscope!” and all your market research would be about giant microscopes and then you’d change your business model from making potpourri to making giant microscopes, and then you’d get arrested because it’s illegal to use the adjective “giant” to describe a product whose name includes the prefix “micro-”.)

So if you can’t use microscopes, how do you do market research? Simple! You use one of these 4 simple methods:

1. Polls: Conduct a poll to gauge people’s interest in your business and to see what kind of stuff they’d like to see you do in the future. Bonus: polls aren't just for research. They can be great marketing tools themselves! All you need to do is include some really bad options alongside the stuff your business already does to make your company look better by comparison. For example, if you’re making fishing rods, you could ask, in a poll, “What do you like to do on weekends?” and then have the options be "a) go fishing," and "b) get a rash."

2. Spies: Send a few spies out into the field to see what people are saying about your business. The only danger is, the people they talk to might be spies from rival businesses who’re trying to feed you false information in order to tank your company. That’s why all your spies should carry a lie detector and know how to use it in such a way that seems natural and un-alarming. Like, maybe they can administer a lie detector test in a way that feels like a massage.

3. Tiny Microphones: This one’s just like spies but requires less manpower. Simply equip your products with tiny microphones so that you can hear what people are saying about them in the stores. This is especially easy if you’re selling tiny microphones!

4. Communicate With Ghosts: Who needs spies or tiny microphones when you can just talk to the ghosts that haunt the places where people are most likely to be talking about your business! C’mon! Don’t try to tell me they’re not listening in on what everyone’s saying! What else would they possibly have to do???

So those are the four essential marketing research techniques. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to do a little research of my own. If you wouldn’t mind answering the poll question below and submitting it, that’d be great!

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. The Mayflower vs. Bird Seed in terms of Throwing The Craziest Party This Town’s Ever Seen

This really depends on what town you’re talking about. If it’s Plymouth, Pennsylvania, they’ve seen what kind of party the Mayflower can bring. On the other hand, Bodega Bay, California has already experienced the party that bird seed can inspire, which is a party with a lot of birds (and really, that’s a party they probably don’t want to throw again). What I’m getting at is “throwing the craziest party this town’s ever seen” is not a simple task. It requires much research into the town in question’s history in order for you, the thrower, to determine whether or not the local citizens have, in fact, seen such a crazy party.

Advantage:

2. Fumes vs. A Mix Tape in terms of A Dubious Omen

Fumes often indicate things that have already occurred – the pilot light on your stove went out, your car’s exhaust system has given up, you fed your dog the wrong thing, etc. – and therefore cannot be omens. A mix tape – and by “tape,” I’m talking about an actual cassette – is an indicator of something: that the person who made it is one of those hipsters who cares more about appearing cool and ironic than he does about sound quality. Which is to say, a mix tape is a very dubious omen, indeed. It foreshadows an inevitable and unpleasant revelation: that its maker is kind of a tool.

Advantage (if you can really call it an advantage):

3. Butter vs. A Paper Cutter in terms of Making a Young Lady’s Heart Flutter

The problem with a paper cutter is they make lots of clutter, and a young lady’s heart doesn’t flutter for clutter, unless she’s a nutter. No, butter from the udder is better to get her. Just mutter, “here’s some butter,” and be sure not stutter, and young lady’s heart will surely flutter as she will see that you plan to bake her a cookie (or three) and as we all know, cookies are the keys to wooing all the young ladies.

Advantage:

For last week's arguments, the Rebuttal of the Week goes to user dukeofwulf, who presents a simple yet flawless argument as to why a license trumps a canoe in terms of learning to tie your shoes:

Two points in favor of the Marriage License:
1. "Tying the knot" could serve as inspiration for learning to do it for realsies.
2. Having a spouse means what's yours is theirs. That means your shoes are actually their shoes. It's in your spouse's best interest to keep their shoes tied so you don't go around stepping on the laces and ripping the shoes up. They'll either teach you how to do it, or you'll see them do it enough times that you'll pick it up eventually.

Conclusion? Marriage License.

Sometimes the most complicated argument wins; other times the most concise argument wins. Why? Because Completely Unfair Comparisons is an equal opportunity blog feature! So go ahead: try to argue with one of the above 3 comparisons and see how you fare next week!

Photos: "Uncertainty" by flickr user, nicubunu.photo; Photo of tape by flickr user, supernative; "Melting butter" by flickr user, tarale. All used under a Creative Commons License.

Let’s have a moment of silence for one of the co-founders of modern flight: Wilbur Wright passed on to the great baggage claim in the sky exactly one hundred years ago this month. Poor Wilbur may have succumbed to typhus in 1912, but his invention, we will be reminded this month, lives on. May is also the month we commemorate paper airplanes (May 26 is National Paper Airplane Day!) and the beginning of the summer travel season (Memorial Day is the busiest flying weekend of the year so far). So come fly with Jeopardy! champ Ken Jennings as he debunks some commonly held—but thoroughly untrue—beliefs about airplanes and aviation. He’ll make sure your historical facts are in the upright and locked position, and that your scientific understanding is securely stowed in the overhead bins or under the seat in front of you.

Airplane Myth #2: Cell Phones Are Illegal on Planes Because They’re a Safety Threat.

When the flight attendant tells you to shut off your game of Words with Friends or Draw Something in anticipation of takeoff, do you do your patriotic duty and power down, or do you throw a hissy-fit like Alec Baldwin did when he was kicked off a flight at LAX last year? In general, I’d agree that “not acting like Alec Baldwin” is a pretty good rule of thumb when it comes to social etiquette, but in this case it doesn’t matter much either way.

There is considerable disagreement on just how much effect, if any, small personal electronics devices can have on a big commercial jet designed to withstand things like lightning storms. There is a blanket U.S. government prohibition on in-flight cell phone use, but it has nothing to do with airline avionics or safety. It’s an FCC regulation, not an FAA one. Cell phone towers, you see, are engineered for stationary customers. A plane-full of talkers and texters zooming from cell to cell in quick succession as they fly overhead could seriously hamstring a mobile network.

There’s not a lot of evidence for cell phones causing glitches in airline avionics, mostly because the airlines aren’t really incentivized to change their no-electronics policies (no profit in it) so the effects rarely get tested. Airlines occasionally report technical problems that, they say, magically cleared up when a flight attendant tracked down a rogue phone-user, but Boeing technicians have never been able to duplicate even one. Even the no-phones lobby admits that the systems in post-1984 planes are well shielded from electronic interference, but claim that wear and tear could theoretically degrade that shielding over time. But, again, the operative word is “theoretically.” If you decide to call Mom during landing, you’ll cause a lot more havoc at the phone company than you will in the cockpit.

Quick Quiz: What president was the first to fly in a plane designated “Air Force One,” which was equipped even back then with its own radio-telephone?

Ken Jennings is the author of Brainiac, Ken Jennings's Trivia Almanac, and Maphead. He's also the proud owner of an underwhelming Bag o' Crap. Follow him at ken-jennings.com or on Twitter as @KenJennings.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

SAGAMIHARA, Japan (UPI) -- Authorities in Japan said a parakeet captured at a hotel was returned to its owners after it was able to give its address to police.

The owner is reportedly very happy he bought that house on WhistleTweetSkwak Avenue.

YORK, Neb. (UPI) -- A Nebraska entrepreneur who had his first name legally changed to Tyrannosaurus Rex said he wanted the new moniker for the "name recognition."

Tragically, "Tyrannosaurus Rex Gold" was unable to sign the official paperwork, due to his small and useless arms.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (UPI) -- Dinosaurs may have caused climate change through their flatulence, releasing enough methane to warm the climate millions of years ago, British researchers say.

But a spokesperson for the dinosaurs retorted that everyone knows he who calculated and designed the mathematical model probably the planet in gas did swaddle.

PRINCEVILLE, Quebec (UPI) -- A bacon plant caught fire overnight in Princeville, Quebec, forcing the evacuation of about 100 nearby homes, authorities said.

Nations of the world turned on Canada shortly thereafter, demanding an explanation for why the country did not immediately offer to share seeds from the bacon plant with everyone.

LONDON (UPI) -- Stars of BBC programs from the 1960s and '70s told a documentary how the station was formerly a hotbed of drugs and sex, even on children's shows.

According to an insider, "You haven't lived until you've seen a dalek orgy."

Did You Loose Your Parakeet? from Britt Selvitelle and dino from banjobelknap are used under a Creative Commons License

The life of a New York Times best-selling author can be stressful, especially when you're dutifully making appearances on your book tour when you get Shanghaied into appearing on some rinky dink deal-a-day website. But that's just what A.J. Jacobs, author of the new book Drop Dead Healthy, did when he popped into the Woot Writers' Seattle home and talked with Randall Cleveland about his book, worrying, proper pooping techniques, and more. 

In case you haven't seen it already, here's the edited "Part 1" of our conversation with A.J. As a special bonus treat, we present the full, unedited conversation for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!